My Life With Drugs
I was almost 13 years old and out fishing with a friend who was 16. I was having the best time of my life. He took out a joint and lit it then handed it to me. My lips pressed around the tip of it, my lungs filled with smoke. I coughed then hit it again. That's when my life with drugs started.
When school started in the fall my mom would drive me and a friend on her way to work. She'd drop us off about 15 minutes early. We would go around the block and get high then come back to school. After school, I'd get high again.
During this time, my dad was working out of town through the week. I missed him. I begged my mom to let me stay with my dad through the week and go to school in Pittsburgh. She finally said okay.
I loved living with my dad because he was always working. I met one guy who became my only friend while I was there. He sold me $20 of crack. I loved it! It wasn't like any other drug I had done. I did it everyday, never thinking about what I was doing to myself.
One day, I couldn't get hold of him so I walked up the street to a hardware store and bought a can of compressed air for computers. I went to my room to wait for my mom to come. I put the can up to my mouth and breathed in deep. I woke up with my mom standing over me, crying and looking scared. I think she thought I was dead. She said that I was shaking, convulsing, and that there was white foam coming from my mouth. But that wasn't a wake up call for me. I just smoked more crack and weed. When the school year was over, I moved back home.
Once I was home I just smoked joint after joint. I was always high and life just kept getting worse. Around the end of summer two friends and I made 3 "Works Bombs." That's when you put a ball of aluminum foil into a pop bottle with Works Toilet Bowl cleaner, put the lid on, shake it and throw it. We threw the bombs into my neighbor's back yard. The State Police investigated and I was sentenced to 90 days at George Junior Republic.
Before I left for George Jr., one of my very best friends was killed in a car wreck. She was driving a big, old Lincoln, with lots of metal around her to protect her. I don't know how it happened. She had so much going for her. She graduated high school early and was in college. But she was doing pills that day and she was speeding. Her car came to rest on a big tree. You'd think that would have definitely been a wake up call for me but it wasn't. I just did more and more drugs.
I learned a lot about myself at George Jr. I found out what a good person I am when I'm not using. As the drugs came out of my system, I became happier with myself and others seemed happy with me, too. I didn't have anger or behavior problems when I wasn't using.
After I came back from George Jr. I stayed clean for about 4 months. It was summer and things were going good. One of my friends was having some problems at home, thinking his mom didn't care about him, and was staying with us once in a while. Andrew had a lot of problems but he was a good friend. He went down to the river to party with two friends one summer afternoon. They were drinking, getting high and doing pills. Andrew was in the water and went under. His two friends were afraid they'd get busted for the beer and drugs so they took off. They left Andrew there, in the water.
Andrew's mom came looking for him but at first, we didn't know where he was. His mom was really worried and I realized that she did love him. I felt so bad for her. Two days later the police pulled Andrew's body from the river. That made me wonder about some of the people I called friends.
I started back to school in the fall. The pressure of school and the loss of my good friend started to get to me. I started to get high again. I was still on probation but somehow I passed my drug test. The next test, though, came back dirty. I just kept smoking more and more every day even though my probation officer said he would give me just one more chance.
I started dating a girl and fell for her - hard. It was like being in love for the first time in my life. She was hot and she got high. It should have been perfect. But I kept failing drug tests and I knew that I would get sent away eventually. She fell in love with me, too and wanted me to stop smoking. She didn't want me to get sent away but the addiction was too strong. I couldn't stop.
No one knew it but I was also doing Heroin all day long. The heroin never showed up in the drug tests, I was pretty good at covering that up. I knew I'd be going back to court and the judge would have me placed somewhere. Instead, he extended my probation for 6 months and my girlfriend begged me to quit the drugs. She threatened to leave me. None of that mattered; the addiction was too strong. Besides, I knew she loved me and figured she'd never carry through with her threats. And I kept failing drug tests.
My probation officer showed up at school to give me a drug test and said it was my last chance. When I got home I was losing my mind because I knew when the results came in I'd be locked up. I was in a haze most of that week, and my moods were swinging out of control. By the following week, I knew the results had to be in and a court hearing would be scheduled. I wanted to run away from everything. I mixed a liter of everclear with some jello and ate it. I blacked out and went kind of crazy. I smashed my head into a wall, threatened over and over to kill myself, said horrible things to my parents and my girlfriend and didn't even notice how scared my little brothers were. When I leaped out of the upstairs windows, my parents called the police. They took me to the emergency room and from there I went to a youth mental hospital by order of the judge. I was there for about 10 days.
When I was released I was put on house arrest until my court hearing. I was certain that I'd be put away for 6 months or more. My mom found a rehab facility closer to home and the judge sentenced me to 90-120 days there. The problem was that there were no available beds for at least a month. Until a bed became available, I had to remain on house arrest. I was being counselled as an out patient, the only time I could leave my house, and still doing heroin. I stopped halfway through that month.
Through all of this, one person stayed by my side, never giving up on me no matter what I did. That was my mom. I put her through so much and whatever I felt, she felt it 10 times worse. She just kept believing in me and encouraging me. Even through the ugliness of drugs, she could see all the good things in me and kept reminding me of those things even when I kept hurting her.
And for some reason, my girlfriend never broke up with me. She just keeps loving me.
I'm now in rehab, thinking of the shit I did to myself and the people who love me. I'm wondering why I'm still alive when so many others didn't make it this far or get this many chances.
I learned through all of this that I'm an addict. I can't change that. This is who I am and who I will always be. I'm working on being an addict in recovery instead of an addict who is using. I'm taking one day at time.
If you are not an addict please remember that this could be you. I never thought it would happen to me. I didn't set out to become an addict. Anyone can become an addict; it only takes one time. Just remember that one is too much and a thousand is never enough.
If you are using, stop. It will save your life and the ones you love because in addiction we put our loved ones through everything we go through. There is a good life on the other side of addiction. There is so much love to recieve and to give. You'll never be able to recieve love or give it if you are using. Drugs may get rid of the bad feelings but they get rid of the good ones, too.
This paper is dedicated to: The one who was there for me through my addiction and recovery and anyone this letter might help.