There were many times over the past year that I’ve wanted to sit down and write to you. There were times when my heart was so heavy that I could barely breathe and other times when I was so overjoyed about something that I wanted to shout from the top of our hill. There were many times that I heard a song or saw an image that made me think of you. I just never could bring myself to write about it, though.

Tonight I will write.

I want to tell you how badly my heart has been aching this past year but I know my pain is nothing compared to the pain your parents have suffered. I want to tell you how much I miss you coming here to the house but no one in this house misses you as much as Jesse does. I want to remind you of all the memories and fun times but so many of your friends have so many more memories.

I’ve tried so hard to make sense of all this. When I’m alone in the car I sometimes talk aloud to you; sometimes I even scream at you. I demand that you explain why you did this. I scold you and I cry. Most of the time I just remain confused. Most of the time I just hurt. Every once in a while, though, for just an instant, I have a moment of clarity. For just a heartbeat, I get it. I understand. And then, as quickly as that moment of understanding comes, it goes again.

I imagine that at some point I’ll be able to grasp the meaning of your actions and totally get it. At least I hope so because I don’t think I can deal with this kind of pain for the rest of my life. I can’t bear to ponder how wrong the world is without you in it. But then, you really haven’t left, have you?

I know that you are still here, watching over those you love, walking beside us and whispering in our ears. I know your body was tired and it was holding you back; your spirit is now free to love and care for those who mean the most to you. I know you’ve been here because I could feel your strength when my own was faltering. I could see you leading me when I lost my way. When my whole world was crumbling around me, you showed me a glimmer of hope and kept me going.

Even now, you’re still the same. You’re still a giant of a man with a heart big enough to hold everyone who loves you. I pray all your friends and family find you again. I hope Jesse opens his eyes and heart enough to know that you’re still here. He’s kind of lost without you. He needs to know that you haven’t left him.

Just stay nearby. Keep helping us to understand. We miss you. We love you.

A few weeks ago a friend and I were talking about movies we’d seen that kind of stuck with us, but were never really award winners. The first thing that popped into my head was The Lathe of Heaven and then the friend who was with us when we watched that film. (If you’ve never seen it, grab it.) And I wondered about that friend.

Hoody was single and really into music and films. His apartment was kind of simple except for his entertainment center. Huge speakers, the biggest TV I’d seen at the time (1980? 81?) and stacks and stacks of music and video tapes lining a long wall. Hoody had both a betamax and a VCR. His furniture was mostly bean bags, in a discount home theater seating arrangement. It was great for a dozen or so people just kicking back and watching TV.

I remember, vaguely, that Hoody did get married but I think they eventually split up. I have no idea what happened to him after that. I suppose as I get older, that type of thing – people coming into and then leaving my life – will happen more and more. Or maybe just the wondering will happen more and more.

Did you ever stop and think about a family member and realize that if the person were not related, you would not choose them to be in your life? Yeah, me too. Thinking about my sister Monette made me realize that she’s one of those people that I love knowing. I’m glad she’s in my life.

Others, not so much. I used to think that maybe it had to do with hormones. I mean, I never did find any kind of real PMS relief and now that I don’t need it, I’ve come to realize that maybe my frustration with certain people had nothing to do with my own hormonal fluctuations and everything to do with the fact that the other person was just arrogant, insulting and downright mean.

Which brings me to aging and freedom. As I age, I feel so much more comfortable keeping those kinds of people mostly out of my life. Other than the obligatory family functions and forced exchange of pleasantries, it’s becoming easier and easier to not care. I’m a passionate person by nature and I do feel most emotions intensely. It’s a truly liberating feeling to save those emotions for people who really matter, people who appreciate my generosity, intelligence and caring.

Now, where was this post going? Oh, yes. Thoughts on aging. I like this growing older thing. I get to replace toxic people with well-chosen friends. Twenty years ago, I didn’t have the self confidence to remove toxic people from my life and replace them with good, supportive friends. In fact, I really didn’t even know that there were women who would care enough about me to help boost my ego when it was slipping. I didn’t know that there were women who would disagree with me without being condescending. This internet sure is a wonderful thing.

To my online friends who never let me down and who have enriched my life more than i could ever say in a blog post (and you know who you are), I thank you.

I’ve been thinking about DonnaLeigh lately and that it would be so nice to do something for her to make her feel special. You see, DonnaLeigh is single mother of two beautiful girls, having lost her husband, Pat, to cancer in 2003. Right now, she’s trying to keep being mommy while also working at getting healthy and losing weight (and she’s doing great at that!) and also trying to sell her house. Just being a single mom is a lot of work; trying to regain your health is a lot of work; selling your house is really a lot of work! I’d love to sweep DonnaLeigh away for relaxing weekend or even a night out. Of course, we live so far from each other that there isn’t much chance of that. At the very least, DonnaLeigh deserves flowers to brighten her day and bring some sunshine into her life.

I was looking over the Flora2000 website and was not only pleased to see that they deliver in Canada but that they also deliver flowers around the globe, in over 150 countries! Now, a dozen years ago that may not have mattered much to me, since I didn’t know anyone outside the US. But today, with the world getting smaller thanks to international flights, satellites shooting news stories everywhere and the internet bringing us all together, I know quite a few people in a number of different countries. I’ve also tried to ship items to another friend while she was living in England, only to discover very companies who would ship that particular item outside of the US. Finding Flora2000 and their worldwide delivery service is quite a discovery!

With such an easy online ordering tool I have a feeling I’ll be using Flora2000 quite a bit over the coming years. Oh, and if you visit DonnaLeigh, be sure to give her a few hugs to get her through the day.

Several months ago, a good friend, Nita, passed away. Her husband, Butch, had helped us with building our house; he and his dad built all of our trusses. When Brian did the brick on their house, Nita was so excited at how beautiful it looked that she went out and bought trophies for all the guys. Brian’s was engraved, “The Fastest and Best Brick Layer in the World.”

Nita was the same age as my husband. She was beautiful and so full of life. When I think back to when we were building our house and Nita and Butch spent so much time here, it seems like a lifetime ago. We lost touch over the years and that’s such a shame. We really enjoyed each others’ company.

Maybe this is a nudge for me to keep in contact with the people I care about. Maybe Nita is telling me not to miss opportunities because once they pass they may not return.

We had such a nice time walking around the mall together that we decided to head to one of the nicer restaurants to sit down for a meal. Cindy’s 3 month old baby, Anna, dropped off to sleep just as we were ordering and dozed right up until the end of the meal. The kids chatted and joked and we had a really great time.

I love seeing Cindy. I remember the turmoil that surrounded her life and brought her to our family. It’s just so wonderful to see her as a happy mother of four. She’s done well.

For those who have never met Colleen, you’re really missing out. She’s every bit as capable and hard working as you might expect from knowing her online, but there’s another, interesting side to her as well. Colleen is also very soft and delicate. I think that’s what struck me first about her. She’s such an online powerhouse, writing several blogs, marketing and promoting them all while holding down a full time job and tending to her husband and three kids. I guess I expected someone much more forceful or something. But Colleen has very delicate features and a calm, self-assured attitude. Being around her is easy and fun.

After Colleen checked into the hotel room, we walked through Pittsburgh a little and it was really great seeing this city I’d known forever through a newcomer’s eyes. I guess you take things for granted if you see them all the time. Pittsburgh was always a city with bridges on every block; that didn’t seem very spectacular until Colleen pointed it out to me.

We had a late supper at SoHo’s and talked for hours when we got back to the room. I made the mistake of having a second drink which put me over the edge from tipsy to drunk. Yes, I’m a cheap date.

I’m so anxious now for PostieCon in November, so I can meet all the other great bloggers I’ve met this past year. Being with Colleen was like spending time with someone I’d known forever.

Oh, and for those who always want pictures, I took only two. I’m hesitant to post the first one because I was trying to take us together and my aim was really bad. I swear, I have two eyes! We’ll have to wait and see if any that Colleen took came out any better. Until then, here’s Colleen, moments after waking and already at her computer working.

I’m going to state right up front that this is not a credit card. This is a pre-paid Mastercard that can be re-loaded with allowance, money from doing chores, gifts or other cash that your teen gets. You child cannot spend more money than is pre-loaded on the card.

Because this is a card with a running balance, the parent has more control than with cash. PAYjr system allows the parent to set up notifications for whenever the card is used. That means that the parent knows exactly how the money is being spent so that any concerns can be addressed. First and foremost, this program is a tool that allows parents to teach their children about finances and the value of money and savings.

Both parents and teens have access to account balances and can be notified by email or text message of any card activity like spending or loading. This system gives parents reassurance while allowing teens some control over their own money. The PAYjr Pre-Paid Mastercard can also be used at ATMs with no fees through the Allpoint network. Naturally, I wanted to know if there are any Allpoint ATMs in my area and was thrilled to find over 150 outlets within 50 miles of my home.

As I looked over the PAYjr site I became more and more convinced that this could be a valuable tool in my teens’ financial education. And yes, I wished it had been around when my older, now adult, children were young. Yet, I wondered about the price. I remembered that my daughter, Maggie, had recieved a Mastercard gift card for her birthday from her godmother this past year.

At my age, I’ve had bunches of friends. Most from my childhood and school years are still fondly remembered but are not in my life daily. My sisters and my cousin are dear to me. But a best friend? That’s something different.

Almost twenty years ago, the house next door to me went up for sale. The people who had lived there previously had moved and were renting it out, once to someone nice but mostly to losers. We wanted to buy it but before we could even try to get financing, we heard it had been sold. I was prepared to not like the people moving in there.

It didn’t take long, though, to get over my resentment and get to know my neighbors. Tammie and BJ were friendly and usually out in the yard, tinkering with stuff. BJ is a few years older than I am; Tammie and I are 6 months apart and we grew up in the same town. It turns out we knew a lot of the same people. It also turned out that my new new neighbors were the best I’d ever had.

Over the years I spent a lot of time at Tammie and BJ’s, drinking coffee, talking and hiding from my kids when they were getting on my nerves. Tammie has spent a lot of time here, drinking coffee, talking and hiding from her doggies.

Oh, did I mention we visit each other in our jammies? I’m sure the other neighbors think we’re crazy, walking back and forth to each other’s house’s in our night clothes.

Twenty years of coffee and talking brings people together in a slow, quiet kind of way. I’m not sure if I can even explain it. I know that Tammie was there with her strong hug when I lost my job and I returned the support when she lost hers. We’ve been there for each other through family deaths and life’s cruel jolts. Sometimes she says just what I need to hear and sometimes she just sits and listens. She knows me well enough to know just what to do. That’s a best friend.

Most important, I can tell Tammie anything. I’m not a terribly open person. Sure, I seem like an extroverted big mouth and I probably say more than I ought to in a lot of situations, but I’m very guarded about some things in my life. With Tammie, I don’t have to hold back. I can be honest and tell her everything and I know it won’t change how she sees me. I’m never afraid that she’ll think less of me because of anything I say. I can show Tammie my heart and know that she’ll understand.

I’ve had other friends over the years, some I seemingly had more in common with than Tammie. None, however, could measure up to the kind of friend that Tammie has been. Despite the normal ups and downs in my life over the past few decades, I’ve been able to hold it together and make it through, in large part because of my best friend.

I’m so fortunate to have found a best friend as an adult. I truly believe that Tammie was the blessing that my life needed, even if I didn’t think I need a friend at the time.

So, who’s your best friend? Why not jump over to Julie’s site and join her Best Friend party? Blog about your best friend then let her know. We can all have our own Best Friend Day!

Now Ang. wants me to decide what 5 friends I’d want to take with me to this deserted island. Okay, here goes.

First up is Suni. I gotta have her. She’s strong and outspoken. And she’s my sister so I need her there.

Next is Laura. Look, the woman has not one but TWO sets of toddler aged twins. And she’s still coherent! You know we need her on that island, almost as much as she needs to get away there.

Now, anyone who knows me is well aware that my biggest fear is bugs. I can handle spiders because they eat flies and I detest flies. I’m terrified of bees, wasps, hornets. Ants freak me out. And so, if I’m going to be spending time on this deserted island then I need someone around who knows all about the creepy-crawly things that we might meet. That’s why I’m bringing Skeet along. Besides being a bug expert, she also lives on a beautiful island so she’s going to be very useful on many levels. Yep, Skeet’s going to be ship wrecked with me!

It’s always good to have someone who can build stuff and who’s really smart. And if I’m shipwrecked on a deserted island, my neighbor will probably send out a search team for me anyway. So I might as well bring Tammie along so she can build the deck on our grass hut and still be my neighbor.

Finally, no deserted island is complete without a male presence. There are several who come to mind but I’m going to have to pick my friend Jimi. I don’t know what kind of job he has or what talents he possesses; I don’t even know what he looks like since all I ever see is that darn xray of his head! But I have a feeling he’d be good under pressure and he’d get along well with an island of women. And if not, I think the four of us could take him.

So there you have it. My deserted island is populated. Now excuse me while I go pack my overnight case for this little excursion.