I do shop locally but I also do much of my shopping online. I’ve got a layaway at one store, and I’m thinking about picking up a few other things at another local store. One year, I bought virtually every single gift online, with the exception being the Kids Bikes that I prefer to be assembled before I bring them home. Experience tells me that I’ll have a happier husband if all the gifts come pre-assembled.

I used to think that Christmas shopping would get easier as the kids got older. That didn’t happen. Now there are grandkids and daughters-in-law as well as my own kids. Lots of gifts to buy and trying to keep everyone’s likes and sizes and stuff straight requires a spreadsheet. I refuse to go into debt for Christmas so staying within my budget is important. The husband and I have not exchanged gifts since the kids came along so at least that is one less thing.

Even though I don’t do Black Friday and I have quite a list to complete, it’s all worth it. When everyone opens their gifts on Christmas my heart is so full and joyful that nothing else matters. I love the sounds of kids playing and laughing and adults becoming kids again as they try out all the new toys. I love this time of year.

If only the tree would decorate itself…

There were many times over the past year that I’ve wanted to sit down and write to you. There were times when my heart was so heavy that I could barely breathe and other times when I was so overjoyed about something that I wanted to shout from the top of our hill. There were many times that I heard a song or saw an image that made me think of you. I just never could bring myself to write about it, though.

Tonight I will write.

I want to tell you how badly my heart has been aching this past year but I know my pain is nothing compared to the pain your parents have suffered. I want to tell you how much I miss you coming here to the house but no one in this house misses you as much as Jesse does. I want to remind you of all the memories and fun times but so many of your friends have so many more memories.

I’ve tried so hard to make sense of all this. When I’m alone in the car I sometimes talk aloud to you; sometimes I even scream at you. I demand that you explain why you did this. I scold you and I cry. Most of the time I just remain confused. Most of the time I just hurt. Every once in a while, though, for just an instant, I have a moment of clarity. For just a heartbeat, I get it. I understand. And then, as quickly as that moment of understanding comes, it goes again.

I imagine that at some point I’ll be able to grasp the meaning of your actions and totally get it. At least I hope so because I don’t think I can deal with this kind of pain for the rest of my life. I can’t bear to ponder how wrong the world is without you in it. But then, you really haven’t left, have you?

I know that you are still here, watching over those you love, walking beside us and whispering in our ears. I know your body was tired and it was holding you back; your spirit is now free to love and care for those who mean the most to you. I know you’ve been here because I could feel your strength when my own was faltering. I could see you leading me when I lost my way. When my whole world was crumbling around me, you showed me a glimmer of hope and kept me going.

Even now, you’re still the same. You’re still a giant of a man with a heart big enough to hold everyone who loves you. I pray all your friends and family find you again. I hope Jesse opens his eyes and heart enough to know that you’re still here. He’s kind of lost without you. He needs to know that you haven’t left him.

Just stay nearby. Keep helping us to understand. We miss you. We love you.

Back then, I had a lot of trouble finding maternity clothes that didn’t have teddy bears and lollipops dancing across them. I kept thinking, “I’m not a baby; I’m having a baby. There’s a difference!”

Things got a little easier over the years or maybe I just learned a few tricks, like shopping in the men’s department or the large women’s shop. Since I didn’t work outside the home, I didn’t need many “dress” clothes so I somehow got by. I just expected to have an easier time finding jeans and stylish tops as well as more professional work clothes for my daughter-in-law recently. Many pregnant women work throughout their pregnancies. I mean, designers have kept up with the trends, right? Well, uh… maybe not.

After doing our research about what pieces to buy and making a list, we soon found that several major department stores no longer carry maternity clothes in their stores. A few of the big box stores had virtually nothing to offer. After five hours of digging through racks and racks of clothes, we gave up and headed home to search the internet. Smart move, it turned out.

If you’re looking for Trendy Maternity Clothes, Belly Dance Maternity is the only site you need to visit. They offer everything from basic jeans and activewear to gorgeous dresses and nursing clothes. No matter your style, Belly Dance has something to appeal to you.

Having been through pregnancy a number of times, I’ve learned a few things along the way. For instance, pregnancy doesn’t last all that long and in the end you’ll be better off with a few really nice mix and match pieces than an entire new wardrobe that you’ll just have to put into storage in a few months. That’s why I really love the Ingrid and Isabel Essentials Collection. The Everywhere pant is exactly that, pants that go everywhere, from work to play to wherever! And the cami and ruched tank are perfect toppers for every occasions. But what really caught my eye (and made me wish I’d had it when I was pregnant) was the bella band. It’s a stretch band that can be worn over your unbuttoned pre-pregnancy pants to extend your normal wardrobe. And if you’re like me, it’ll come in handy after the baby comes, too.

My daughter-in-law preferred the selection from the Juicy Maternity line. She liked the cut of the Liverpool Cali jean because it could be dressed up or down, and thought the black velvet jean would be a nice alternative to a dress for Christmas with the family this year. Her favorite was the stretch corduroy pant, though, just for the comfort factor.

The great thing about all these clothes is that they’re the same style as the clothes you wear before you get pregnant, just sized for your expanding tummy. That’s how maternity fashion is supposed to be. Feeling beautiful and looking pulled together during these very special months goes a long way toward making pregnancy enjoyable. It would be great if all store carried a full line of maternity clothes but most don’t. Luckily, Belly Dance Maternity is just a mouse click away.

This will be the first Christmas in three years that Jesse is home for the holiday. I can’t wait to celebrate with my whole family here. I can’t wait to take pictures of the entire family this year.

I think that in celebration of our family being together, I’m going to make meatballs and Italian sausage this year. I haven’t done that for a while but this year is special. In fact, I’m going to start baking early so that we have enough for lots of family and friends to stop by. That’s how it used to be when the kids were little. I wonder if I can recreate that magic this year?

At some point in the night, my mom would take my sister and me to our bedrooms and tuck us in. We’d listen to the sky, straining to hear the sleigh bells over the voices downstairs and eventually we’d wake up to our mother’s voice telling us that Santa had just left.

We’d open our packages as all the relatives looked on. There were always baby dolls and as soon as she could, Aunt Jenny would scoop up the dolls to play with. I think she enjoyed them more than we did.

One Christmas, though, was different. Mom came upstairs to wake us and whispered that if we were very quiet we could sneak downstairs and get a glimpse of Santa. I don’t think I ever woke up so fast! SANTA! I was going to see him in my own living room! It was just too wonderful to imagine!

We crept down the stairs and there he was! He was huge — all dressed in his red suit with a fluffy white beard. And there was Aunt Jenny, tugging at his suit, touching the furry white trim. Monette and I giggled then hoped he hadn’t heard us. We watched him walk out the front door, never questioning why he didn’t swoop up the chimney like he was supposed to do.

Of course, we went to school after Christmas vacation and assured all of our cynical friends that, indeed, Santa was real. We had see him ourselves, right in our own house, on Christmas Eve.

It was years later that my mom explained to us how Santa came to be there that year. Our cousin, Butch, had been drafted; He would be going to Viet Nam. He wanted to do something special for Christmas, maybe so that we’d remember him if the worst happened. I do remember when Butch was overseas; we’d send “care packages,” as my mom called them, every few weeks. We’d load them up with trinkets and snacks. I really didn’t understand where Butch was or what the war was all about. I just knew that he missed all of us and we wanted him to come home safely. He did come home but we lost Butch in 2004 to cancer.

Sometimes my childhood seems like a different lifetime. Memories become hazy or distorted. My memory of that one Christmas — when I got to see Santa in our home — is as vivid today as it was then. That memory will live forever. Thanks, Butch. You’ll always be our hero.

Levi has had a great season. Their team, the Jr. Dons, have won a few and lost a few. Levi has missed a tackle here and there but mostly he covers his man well. He loves playing defense and even forced a fumble this past game.

I’ve gotten a few really good shots of Levi in action. I kind of surprise myself, really. Except for the games where the chain link fence was blocking my view, the shots have been clear. It figures, the fence installation at our home field is the worst of anywhere we play. Oh well. I’ll just have to find a better spot for picture taking next year.

Click for wider angle

I know he’s excited, though. There’s something about having little ones around again for the holidays. Watching Kendyll open her toys last year made Christmas fun again. And now, we’ll have Steven here, too. How fun!

Of course, next year we’ll also have baby Caleb here. He’s due in February. It looks like this family is having another growth spurt. It makes my heart sing.

Case in point: I was away for five days and returned home with loads of things to blog. I still have loads of things to blog. I’ve read a few posts from my friends here and there, knowing that they stole a moment away from the kids to post their thoughts. I’ve done that before.

I didn’t do it this time, though. I don’t do it much at all anymore. When Kendyll is here, I don’t blog. I’d never really thought about that much before but it’s true. When Kendyll is here, I’m at her side. I’m always waiting to hear her call, “Nana” so that I can be right there, ready to play or whatever she needs.

It wasn’t like that with my own kids.

This has nothing to do with loving my granddaughter more than I loved my kids. It has everything to do with knowing. I know that every single thing we do today will pass; tomorrow will be too late. I know that all I have is this moment and all that matters is being totally present in this moment, with Kendyll. I know how fleeting childhood is and that there’s no guarantees about tomorrow.

I wish I’d known these things when my own kids were young. I think I knew it but I didn’t quite believe that the day would ever come that the kids weren’t in diapers, weren’t underfoot, weren’t small and full of wonder. I believe it now.

Grandchildren are a second chance at really living.

Jesse is a talented stone mason and is pretty good with block and brick, too. The housing market is stagnant, though, and we seem to have more builders than homes that need built. I’m helping Jesse to put together a resume with pictures of the home he built. Hopefully, that will make him more desirable to general contractors.

I know how to write a resume and cover letter but I need a course on marketing resumes and promoting one’s self. That would be helpful right now. Of course, if I was good at that I’d be submitting my own resume around. For now, I’m just staying hopeful that Jesse finds a good job that lets him stay close to home, at least for a little while.

Chris and Leah have been together since 2005, after Chris’s divorce. They’re really perfect for each other. And just between us, they’re about to make me a grandma again. Is that not just wonderful???

Leah is showing now and I just love looking at her little belly. That’s my new grandbaby growing in her.

Chris and Leah had been renting a small apartment on the third floor of a huge house near here but recently moved. They didn’t need to hire moving companies, though, since they just moved from the top floor to the first floor of the same house. Very convenient, huh?

Anyway, the move came at a perfect time. They didn’t know they were expecting when they moved. I just hope they realize that grandma – or Nana, as Kendyll has named me – is going to need her own rocking chair in the living room. I plan to spend a lot of time with the newest munchkin.